Regret
by Ria
Summary: Someone decides to help Ken ...


# Regret

**Disclaimer:** Digimon is not mine, and never will be. Plots etc. are not mine and are belonged to those lucky people at Toei, Saban, FoxKids among others. Everything's borrowed only, including Yamato 'Matt' Ishida and Ken Ichijouji. No profit's been made, so don't sue. The only thing that's mine is this fic ... 

**Notes:** This isn't actually yaoi (male/male) or anything, it's more of a friendship fic than anything else. But just in case, here's the warning. Feel free to take it as whatever you want .. ::shrugs:: 

* * *

The Digital World's seas and lakes are quite strange. Not in the fact that they mightn't be real, which may be a possibility, but in the fact that they often cause the strangest scenes to occur. For example, it was beside a lake that Friendship's Gabumon first digivolved to its Champion form, Garurumon, and later, it was beside another lake where Friendship nearly got corrupted. But his Gabumon still held on to a dim hope that its partner would return to his natural state with an amazing amount of loyalty. Digimon like that don't come very often. 

But that is a different story for a different time. It would be by one of the Digital World's seas that this scene would occur by. Some say there are mysterious substances in the murky depths, that tap into human and digimon emotions alike, and cause them to do and say things they normally wouldn't say. Such is the scene that is about to happen. 

Ken Ichijouji felt depressed. It wasn't a new emotion to him; after his brother Osamu's death he had felt depressed for a brief time. It was this depression that caused his defences to lower, and let the weakness inside him take control during that time. All of this helped in the forming of what he would eventually become: the Digimon Kaiser. In his loneliest experiences as that cruel, misunderstood dictator, he felt loneliness as well. He refused to let anyone close, even his own digimon, whom he despised. 

After his downfall as the Kaiser, when he became Ken Ichijouji again, the shy Digidestined of Kindness, with few friends and an alarming amount of enemies, depression still came in small bouts that controlled him for short moments. Guilt and pain ran amuck inside him, twisting his mind and feelings to their cruel means, and making him sink lower in his dark pit of despair. It was getting harder and harder to resurface ... 

He sighed and drew his legs up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his knees and laying his chin on them. His sapphire eyes were full of sadness and guilt. So much guilt and regret. Too much for one so young, but Ken had seen a lot in his short life. Too much one might say. His desolated gaze drifted across the rolling sea, watching the waves form and fall against the pale shore, their white crests dissipating upon touching the ivory sand. It was anything but peaceful here, the roaring power often hurting his ears, but here at least, it was harder to remember what he had been. 

He felt his hands tighten. He might be one of the Digidestined now, but he knew it was only Daisuke who truly accepted him, the other four only merely tolerated him because he was considered one of them. Not because he was one of them. He hadn't imagined anything like their anger, hurt and pain would have felt so bad, but it did. It was like a darkness inside him that kept devouring him, little by little. He couldn't resist ... To his shame he felt a tear slide down his pale, cold cheek. Boys didn't cry ... 

He wanted to cry. 

Ken didn't hear the footsteps approach until the taller boy was right beside him, standing over him. It was that feeling one got at the nape of their neck when they were watched, that finally caused Ken to glance up to see a pair of azure eyes, rather like his own, staring solemnly down at him, framed by spiky golden hair and a pale face. Blonde strands were flung across the other boy's face, as he wordlessly sat down beside him. Ken looked away, watching the sand being hurled around them. What was he doing here? Sent by the others to give him a guilt trip no doubt. 

For several moments nothing was sad, both carefully avoiding the other's gaze, but still sneaking slight glances when he thought the other wasn't looking. Eventually it was the blonde boy who lost impatience first and when he spoke, his voice was soft and frightfully casual, as if he didn't want to scare Ken away. "So ... this is where you come all the time. We wondered." 

Ken stared up at him, startled. Even sitting down, the other boy was taller than him. No surprise, considering he was a number of years older than him. Why was he being so nice, as if Ken was his equal? "Excuse me?" He felt embarrassment lace through him as the second boy turned his head slightly to look at him. 

He shrugged. "Daisuke always wanted to know where you went to when you weren't with him and the others. He was desperate to know, but didn't want to ask outright and didn't feel right checking your D-3. Am I allowed to say, or is this place meant to be remain private?" His voice was genuine, he sincerely didn't mean to mock Ken or remind him of his past. 

It was Ken's turn to shrug. "It doesn't matter. Either way Daisuke will find out some way or another. His curiosity will destroy him sooner or later." His bleakness was back, and it was impossible to ignore the bitter tones of his voice. But he had no right to be so critical of Daisuke, he had been the first to forgive him and offer him the hand of friendship. He owed Daisuke everything. But right then Ken felt so damned tired and sick of everything that he felt he had to lash out at _something_. It turned out that Daisuke was simply the topic that came up. 

The blonde raised an eyebrow. "Should you be so hard on him? He _is_ your friend after all. I admit, he may have his faults but he's really a good person underneath it all. I shouldn't be one to talk, I judged him before discovering him and that was a mistake on my part I know. But I realise now that Daisuke is a good person. Don't you?" His voice lilted slightly, as he said the innocent-sounding question. 

"I'm not sure what to think anymore." Ken's own voice was flat as he spoke. "Part of me knows I should be grateful to Daisuke for everything he's done to me, but the other half hates him for it. The Kaiser part of me I suppose." The bleakness was back, as Ken once more stared out at the sea. 

The other boy shifted slightly. "The Kaiser part holds some control still?" Ken felt azure eyes pierce the back of his head as he continued to stare out at the cold, merciless sea. 

In answer, Ken replied, "He is like the sea itself you know. Cold. Cruel. Once he latches onto something he'll never let go. Once he has his victim he'll cling on and drag him down, further and further until all is forgotten and can't be remembered. Once he finds his victim, he'll never let go. He hasn't let go of me still, even though I'm not him anymore. You have no idea what it feels like, to be taunted at every moment for being so weak and so helpless. It sounds so ridiculous because the Kaiser is me and yet ..." He trailed off, feeling something sting his eyes. 

For a moment, the other boy didn't speak. "I can imagine." His voice was soft, and in the roar of the sea, was hardly audible. But somehow it carried to Ken, who didn't reply, only waited for him to continue. 

"I was evil once. Maybe not like you, I didn't try and control the Digital World like you did. Maybe I wasn't evil in the sense that I tried to destroy everything good like you did. But I was evil in a sense as well. Given time, I probably would have done something drastic. I nearly did. I considered leaving the group and doing it on my own. I was nearly convinced to destroy Taichi, who I was led to believe wanted to hamper me, keep me down. I nearly lost my crest. I nearly did destroy Taichi. While the others have forgotten it, I haven't. Things like that don't go away overnight." His voice was full of sorrow now and regret. There was always regret. Regret for what he had allowed himself to briefly become ... and perhaps a small amount of regret for not fully becoming that thing. 

Ken froze for one moment, unable to fully comprehend what he was hearing. Then he slowly turned to fully face Yamato Ishida, his sapphire eyes questioning. "How can I be sure you're telling the truth? How can I be sure you're not just making it up to make me feel better?" It seemed ridiculous that something like that would be made up, but past experiences had made him wary, and slow to trust. 

Yamato sighed. "Would I be stupid enough to make something like that up? No, wait, don't answer that." The last sentence brought a smile to Ken's lips, albeit, a small one, but a smile nevertheless. Yamato shook his head slightly. "I've been spending too much time around Taichi, it's begun to finally warp my mind. No pun intended." 

"So ... you really became like that? It wasn't just me?" Ken spoke slowly, part of him still reluctant to believe. Things never could be that easy. 

Yamato nodded. "Swear it. A digimon that was good at setting illusions preyed on my insecurities and convinced me I had to destroy Taichi to become stronger. In the end the whole thing wasn't a bad experience, as it helped me and Gabumon to become stronger partners anyway." He smiled. "How are things with you and Wormmon?" 

"Good," Ken replied hesitantly. "Sometimes I can't believe I was so cruel to him, when I realise how loyal he is. How loyal he was to stick with me through everything that happened ..." He trailed off again, feeling the stinging come again and wishing it would just go away, even though he knew it probably wouldn't. 

"It's okay to cry," Yamato said gently. "I should know I've done it a few times myself. Don't tell me you're going all macho on me now." Ken laughed slightly, hardly able to believe this entire thing was happening. He'd never imagined Yamato Ishida, former keeper of Friendship, would want to become _his_ friend! 

"I was brought up to believe boys don't cry." 

"Screw it fast," Yamato answered simply. "You start bottling things up, it'll all just get worse, I promise you." His eyes were serious, and Ken knew he was telling the truth. "Besides, I won't tell." 

Ken managed a watery smile, before the tears that had been threatening to spill finally came forth and streamed down his face in a steady wave. He sobbed with a relief he hadn't felt in years and didn't care who was watching He deserved to let everything go for once. He cried, and then, without realising it, felt arms circle him briefly, patiently waiting for him to stop. Ken immediately buried his face into Yamato's shoulder, his tears gradually subsiding, until at last they had stifled to soft sniffs. 

Ken felt his face redden slightly as he pulled himself away and attempted to wipe his face. "I'm sorry about your shirt," he apologised, trying to hide his embarrassment. "I didn't mean to wet it." 

"It's all right," Yamato said, fixing it slightly. "It can be replaced and believe me far worse things have happened to it. Feel better now?" 

Ken nodded slowly. "Yes." It was true, he did feel better. It felt as if something that had been pent up and ignored had finally been released and a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He felt more at ease than he had been in years. The last time he had felt like this was when Osamu had taught him to blow bubbles, before he had tried to become better at them than his brother, and it had just been a fun game. A brief pause and then, "Thank you." He smiled slightly at Yamato, who smiled back. Then he finally summoned up the courage to ask a question that had been nagging him since Yamato had first arrived. "Why did you come?" 

For a moment, the former child of Friendship didn't answer. As Ken watched, emotions whirled around in the azure depths of his eyes, pain, regret, contentment and a thousand others that only made him more confused. Then a strange smile curled on his lips, as he replied, "Daisuke was worried but was more afraid he'd goof up and say the wrong thing if he came. So he remembered I had held Friendship before him, and sought me out. He figured if anyone could help you it was me." 

"But - I thought ... you hated me," Ken whispered. "You and the rest of the original Digidestined -" He faltered, too scared to continue. This was so confusing ... 

Yamato nodded resignedly. "We were mad at you for a while, you had treated our digimon badly in your reign as the Kaiser. Taichi and I were especially mad at you. But then I remembered what I had gone through, and how the others had forgiven me. I knew then that you should be forgiven as well, and that you deserved a second chance. That's what Friendship is all about." His smile broadened slightly. "It's a quality Daisuke's beginning to show and possess. It was because of that quality he got Friendship in the first place. Why else do you think he tried to be friends with you?" 

It was certainly food for thought. Ken pondered this for a moment and then spoke. "A lot's going to happen with Daisuke isn't it?" 

Yamato nodded. "Both in courage and friendship I think. As well as a lot of other things. He's going to grow up in a very interesting way I think. I hope you'll be there for him as he has been for you. I have a feeling he'll need it." The older boy then chose at that moment to glance at his watch and yelped. "I forgot how time passes when you talk like this," he sighed, dragging himself to his feet. "I have to go back now, I've an idiotic Science test to study for and practise. I trust we'll do this again?" 

"I'd like that," Ken replied, nodding. "Thanks again." He stood up as well and shook Yamato's outstretched hand. 

Yamato grinned. "No problem. You're a very interesting person Ken. It'd be a crime not to have you as a friend. Anyway, at any length you can probably help me with my Math!" His azure eyes twinkled, as he burst out laughing along with Ken. 

"Maybe," Ken answered, grinning. "Are the others comfortable with you doing this?" He deeply regretted his rods as Yamato immediately sobered and his eyes darkened fractionally. It occurred to him that while Yamato and Daisuke had forgiven him, there was a good chance the others hadn't. 

"I'm not sure," Yamato admitted. "Things might be a bit uncomfortable for a while, but Daisuke and I will be there for you, we're your friends after all. Things will work out Ken, trust me." He smiled again, trying to brighten up the other boy's dampened spirits. 

"I hope so," Ken replied, his face downcast. Of course things would never be easy for him. He had done too many things for his life to simply fall into place. Life would never be that easy for him. It never had been that easy and it never would be. 

"Hey cheer up," Yamato said firmly, punching him lightly on the shoulder. "We'll stand by you I promise." Forcing Ken to look at him, he smiled, and felt satisfaction flood him as Ken slowly smiled back. "See you around then," he added, before turning and walking away, no doubt to the nearest port to get home. Ken stood and watched him go, his own conflicting emotions showing in his large eyes and his pale face. He continued to watch until the original holder of Friendship had disappeared from view. 

He remained watching the sea for a long time afterwards.


End file.
